Once upon a time there was a librarian named Floating Lush with the most beautiful finger in the whole world. Unfortunately, she was very sad because her one heart’s desire was to have a duckling.
An old witch in her town named Librarian DOA told her that she could find a duckling at the top of Mount Cleery. Our hero was filled with hope so she went home and got Mr Lush, her pet llama, and together they headed off into the forest below the mountain. The forest was dark and creepy and gave Floating Lush and Mr Lush the heebie-jeebies, and it wasn’t long before they both started hearing rustling noises. They were coming from a nearby ivy. Before they could run away, a gruesome monster jumped out of the ivy, nearly scaring them to death!
“I am the mighty Hesteban! If you wish to pass you must answer three questions,” it said.
“But we don’t have time,” Floating Lush cried. “We’re trying to get to the top of Mount Cleery.”
“Tough noogies to you,” Hesteban cried. “Answer my questions or go back home. First, could you fit a diamond in your nose?”
“That’s a silly question!” Floating Lush said. “I guess I could if I had to!”
“Ha!” Hesteban laughed. “You’re right! You have a huge nose. Now, answer me this. How many noodles could you eat in one sitting?”
“Well, I don’t care much for noodles but if I had to I could probably eat 42.”
The monster laughed even harder. “What does your pet’s ear smell like.”
“I don’t know why you would care but it smells like compost.”
The monster realized our hero was honest and true and allowed her to pass. So, Floating Lush and Mr Lush went farther into the woods until they came to a clearing. There, on a pedestal sat a diamond.
“Well, that’s weird,” Floating Lush said. “That monster was just talking about one of these. I suppose I should take it. It might be helpful later on, though I don’t know how.”
So Floating Lush and her trusty pet, Mr Lush, set off again and found themselves at the base of Mount Cleery. There they found a ladder and used it to scale the mountain. They struggled for 114 days and 36 nights. All the time they were attacked by giant naked mole rats and enormous flying pies with purple tentacles and teal elbows. But, finally, they got to the top of the mountain. It was a good thing, too, because they were both ready to give up and go back home!
At the top of Mount Cleery was a huge chartreuse castle with a drawbridge. On the drawbridge was a big basket filled to the top with noodles. “Well, this is peculiar,” Floating Lush said. “I remember that lunatic monster in the woods was asking about these, just like he did about my nose and the diamond. I guess I could take these with us in case they come in handy, but to be honest, I have no idea how they could be useful.” So she hoisted the basket onto Mr Lush’s back and together they went into the castle.
Once inside they found an ugly dragon, even more gruesome and smelly than the first monster. In fact, he smelled like noodles that had fallen under the seat of a hot car.
“I am the mighty Info Diva, King of the Goobers! I rule this castle and everything in it. I suppose you’ve come here because I have tons of ducklings.”
Floating Lush nodded. “It’s my greatest wish to have a duckling.”
“Then you must show me something remarkable!” King Info Diva said.
Floating Lush was so angry she hopped, but getting mad wasn’t going to solve her problems. She had to do something remarkable and the only thing she could think of was to stick her diamond up her nose. So she did! It was totally disgusting, and Floating Lush looked like an idiot with the diamond sticking out of her nostril, but the King of the Goobers applauded. “That is remarkable.”
“I’m glad you’re impressed,” our hero said. “Now may I have a duckling?”
“No!” the king roared. “To get that you must beat me in an eating contest! I hope you like noodles.” The king hurried Floating Lush into a dining room where a huge plate of piping hot noodles was waiting on a table.
“No one has ever eaten more of these than I have but if you can I’ll give you your heart’s desire.”
So, seeing that she had no choice, and being a bit hungry from climbing the mountain, our hero removed the basket from her pet’s back and dumped all the noodles onto the table. Together, she and the King ate and ate. They ate for 8 days and 72 nights. They even ate on Halloween, until the buttons popped off their pants. But, when it was all over, Floating Lush had eaten one more noodles than the King of the Goobers.
“I ate more than you,” our hero cried. “Now give me what I came for!”
“Absolutely not,” the king bellowed. “You cheated somehow. I won’t give it to you.”
Our hero was so angry she picked up her pet and shoved Mr Lush’s ear into the King’s face. The King screeched in horror.
“NO! I can’t stand the smell of llama ear. It’s my only weakness!” And a moment later the King of the Goobers melted into hot tea all over the floor. Floating Lush and Mr Lush were glad to be rid of him and searched the castle, finally finding the duckling! And since the castle was now abandoned they decided to live there, where they would never have to stick a diamond up their nose or eat nasty old noodles again. And besides, they had no idea how to get back down the mountain.
And they lived happily ever after!
Made at Sister’s Grimm Fairytale Regurgitator
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